Communication and a Balanced Nervous System: A Yogic Perspective

Author: E. Whitewood, 2025

These words explore the impact of proficient communication upon our nervous system, and therefore our overall health and wellbeing. I have incorporated connections to yogic teachings that feel relevant, all of which can be further explored in my other research.

The connections between communication and wellness began forming for me upon hearing this quote in a yoga class:

'Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is your power to choose your response. In your response lies your growth and your freedom'. – Victor E. Frankl

This has sat in my heart for several years. Its importance has increased as I have understood and made deeper connection, invoking greater meaning with time. It notes the difference between reacting and responding, allowing space between these two places to explore true emotions. There is more to it, of course but one line of enquiry, and what I am attempting to tackle in these words, is that this pause and the chosen methods for communication that follow will directly impact wellbeing. This is one of many avenues to explore, it absolutely isn’t this simple…but it’s a good start on the road to a balanced and emotionally stable existence.

I will begin by unravelling stress and our penchant for distraction rather than feeling within. This leads into our relationships and how we conduct ourselves with others, tying in the first two klesha, Avidya and Asmita. We then move on to discussing the impact upon the body when stress is held and supressed.  We consider the overarching intention behind conversations, and explore strategies for simple shifts, particularly within our own approach to communication, in support of a better-balanced nervous system. Finally, I felt it important to note the amount of inner work that must take place before making these shifts, the reasons behind that and why it all begins within you.

‘The real magic lies within—it’s the untapped power you often overlook. In a world that constantly tells you what can’t be done, challenge yourself to discover the limitless potential within you. Dive deep, and you’ll find that the only true barriers are the ones you accept’. -Deepak Chopra

Chronic Stress:

Over 90% of the people who come to me for Holistic Health Coaching are suffering from chronic stress. Life is a lot. Our lifestyles place a lot of strain on our sense of Self, on our physical and emotional wellbeing and on our ability to be present with who we are. We simply haven't the time or the space to understand ourselves, opting instead to distract with mindless scrolling, the pursuit of what society calls ‘success’, procreation, numbing, existing...and whilst that feels easiest at the time…we are not living. We are just...here. Until we aren't. I explore stress further, unravelling both physiological and psychological perspectives here.

This stress has often been present within the body for a long time. Years of bracing, pushing through and abandoning who we are in the service of others has created a nervous system that does not know how to rest. The result is chronic physical, mental and emotional ailments, symptoms of a lifetime of a system in deep routed stress. Note that these are symptoms...not causes and this nuance is very important.

The symptoms are often tackled first. We note these symptoms within the body or our emotional state and act accordingly. Whilst that may be a sticking plaster for a time, getting to the root cause of the afore mentioned stress, understanding how to make appropriate changes to promote a better lifestyle and therefore a more contented Self also needs to play a part...a big part. In assessing the reasons WHY we are stressed in the first place, we deal with the cause…not just the symptoms.

Stress and Relationships:

There is an inordinate array of potential stressors in life, of course. Our relationships with others and how we interact with people directly corresponds to the level of stress we experience within. The ways in which we wish to be perceived, our yearning to be seen, the desire to be heard...the need within our ego to be right, all impact our sense of Self-worth and our feelings of ‘enough’ness. This is partly due to societal conditioning and the value we place in 'doing'. We only feel worthy of love if we are successful in whatever capacity we (or rather, they) deem most important. If we ‘know it’. It is also hugely due to the way in which we view communication. Many of us believe that when we speak, the goal is to get people to agree. We want to be heard but, more than that, we want those listening to change their own opinions and perspectives and ultimately to say 'Oh yes, you're absolutely right, I feel like an idiot'. Trouble is, everyone is walking around doing exactly the same thing...so no one is listening and everyone is speaking...loudly and in a desperate attempt to be heard. Ultimately, pushing your opinion only convinces others to protect what they know. And so the cycle continues in perpetuity.

In yoga, this cycle is attributed to the first two klesha (the five reasons we suffer the most) amongst many other things but I will start here. The first, Avidya: ignorance, or rather, not opening oneself up to the possibility of growth and learning but choosing to sit within our own samskara (grooves in the mind). Societal and familial conditioning, amongst other external factors, lead us to stubbornly maintain our viewpoints at the expense of all else. Even when it is abhorrently clear that we absolutely do not know all there is to know about something and likely never will, we continue to push our viewpoint to the fore. This causes deep suffering. In fact, Avidya is considered the root cause of all suffering, ultimately leading to fundamental misunderstanding, both of the Self and the Universe. So a pretty big deal in terms of wellbeing.

The second klesha, Asmita: the ego, is of course inextricably linked to Avidya. If we think of ourselves as being layers and layers of…stuff. Our upbringing, our marital status, our career, our cultural bias, our appearance and so on…all create a false identification of the Self and ultimately separate us from who we truly are…from mind, body and spirit. From the true Self. This causes huge suffering. To add to this, there are enormous expectations (both externally and internally), obligations, status pressures, ways in which to conduct yourself or ‘fit in’ with society to be deemed ‘enough’. All of this disconnects us to who we truly are. In his book ‘The Untethered Soul: the journey beyond the self’, Michael Singer asks a very simple but powerful question that emphasises this point beautifully. He says ‘Who are you?’. Take a minute to consider this. Can you answer this question without utilising any of the components in the list above? Who are YOU? Your true Self? Not the self you are conditioned to be in certain environments, not the self you are portraying in this moment or the self that society expects you to be…but your actual Self. Do you even know? I’m not sure if I do. Or rather, I am on the path to knowing. Something to deeply consider, perhaps.

So, what does all of this mean and how does it help us to feel better? Well, what if this perspective shifted for you? What if you were able to change the goal of your interactions? What if your conversations were more meaningful and what if, instead of the goal being the need to be heard or to be right, it shifted to something else entirely? I'm not talking about anyone else around you making changes, as it is impossible to change/control/support others to behave any differently. But YOU can make a shift within yourself. You can choose a different way to approach communication. And in doing so, I bet your conversations will greatly shift. 

Why do this though? Mainly because coming from a place of ignorance (Avidya) and ego (Asmita) is inherently reactive. Therefore, it immediately creates stress within the body. It causes the sympathetic nervous system to engage and ultimately, it is not a wise use of your energy (Bramacharya). Rather than being calm, steady and ready to listen, you are instead braced; you are ready in a different way. Ready to prove yourself and your worth, ready to be valuable, ready to be enough and above all else, ready to speak, not to hear. If you conduct yourself in this reactive manner every time you converse with someone, in every single interaction of your day throughout your entire life, that creates an inordinate amount of stress on your Self. Therefore, it could be argued that the way in which you conduct yourself when communicating plays a fundamental role in the balance of your nervous system and ergo your physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

We are highlighting the fundamental importance of protecting your peace.

Shifting your conversations for better well-being:

One of the first ways to shift the intentions behind your conversations in hope of better connection to loved ones, is to consider what the person in front of you is actually saying. Yes, there are words coming out of their face…but where have those words come from? Have they heard them? Have they been conditioned to believe them? Have they seen something that has caused this belief? Consider what they are feeling when they are saying them and why they are choosing to behave in the way that they are in that moment. The words are one thing...the behaviour is another and the route cause is the reason. That is what needs to be responded to, not the noise above it. By doing this, we immediately shift from needing to be heard or make ourselves understood in attempt to change someone’s perspective, to a place of trying to understand. This desire to truly hear, observe and wonder creates questions, a delving deeper and a greater depth to your communication. This in turn creates better connections and a sense of belonging. It also allows those around you to be understood and therefore to feel better about who they truly are. In the Coaching and therapeutic community, this is called ‘active listening’. What a beautiful gift to give someone, to be truly heard…and what a wonderful rest for your ego too, to allow yourself the space to learn and grow from others. Such a small shift really, and yet so very powerful.

So get curious. Engage in their perspective by asking questions. Most importantly, remember that we are operating from different systems. My wife and I are a prime example of this and I am sure it is similar across many relationships, that’s why they say ‘opposites attract’. My wife is matter of fact, it is as it is and she is extremely practical, loyal and grounded as a result of being this way. She can compartmentalise and is much more able to stay present, generally in a more contented state as a result. I am much more emotional. I see many perspectives and often get lost in a sea of it all. In doing this, I can suffer, for sure. But I also make connections and unravel ideas that others simply cannot see. She brings me home, often. I open her perspective, often. And most of the time, it makes for a beautiful, soulful and deep routed connection. Sometimes though, these polar perspectives bring complete misinterpretation, and in turn a seemingly unreachable connection. The real growth, is the lesson within these moments. In the seeking to understand when our brains literally cannot. Rewiring, asking, delving…or simply allowing another’s perspective to just…be. Because you don’t have to agree all the time to love each other. You can just….’let them’ Robbins, (2024).

So it is clear; our wires, our connections, the very fibre of who we are simply cannot be the same. You cannot ‘know’ entirely. If we are not the same, if we do not feel or think or process on the same level...how on earth can we possibly 'know'....truly know another's perspective? When looking at it like this, it is all we can do to try to understand, not to agree. To come together in the not knowing.

Most people, especially when in a place of ‘reacting’, are coming from a space of fear. In yoga, Abhinivesha (fear/fear of death) is the fifth klesha. It prevents so many of us from achieving our goals and from being who we truly wish to be, just in case we are perceived incorrectly, or we fail, or we aren’t enough. Change in itself, fear of the ‘unknown’ is enough to create a combative communication barrier. By taking the time to observe the ways in which others speak to you, you will begin to notice this underlying fear in almost all interactions. Fear of being misunderstood, fear of seeming to be different or hold a different view, fear of something you don’t understand, even fear of being disliked or ostracised for simply being. All of this ties in with Avidya (your need to remain in ignorance) and Asmita (your ego wanting to be right above all else).

So, what could be done differently to ensure that the nervous system remains balanced? I have listed a few ideas, all taken from reputable sources (further reading at the end of the article should you wish to delve deeper) and amalgamated here. I hope it’s useful. Please know that this is very personal. So be patient, spend time trialling and see what works. The most important part of all of this is observation. Of the Self, of others and the ways in which your conversations shift. It is, I have found, almost instantaneous and has had such a huge impact on how I feel within.

Firstly, take some time to observe yourself. Have you ever even considered HOW you are communicating? How is your tone? How do you feel within when others are speaking to you? Quiet observation of your true Self and how you feel is a very powerful tool. In yoga, this falls under the niyama Svadhyaya: the study of the Self. This mindful practice is so valuable as it allows us insight not only into who we are but also, how we conduct ourselves within relationships.

Are you someone who speaks loudly in order to be heard? If you feel you are not being heard, do you automatically raise the tone of your voice? Speaking loudly, not only puts your own body into its sympathetic nervous system but also, the person you are yelling at isn’t actually listening, they are simply bracing their own nervous system for a fight. In short, both parties are reacting, not responding and you could be yelling about sandwiches for all it matters because no one is hearing, no one is growing and no one is open to a new perspective. It seems quite clear then that this form of communication simply doesn’t work.

One of the main reasons we begin feeling defensive and start to raise our voice is because something has been said that upsets us. The next time that happens, try a pause. Do not react. Instead, allow the first thing you do to be to focus on your breath. Deep breathing works well but, even better, try two part breath. Breathe in through the nose for three seconds, pause, breathe in for another two seconds, pause and then exhale again, through the nose. This can be done as soon as you begin to feel stress in the body. This practice automatically calms the nervous and limbic systems and resets the vagus nerve, bringing you into balance and back to your Self. It can be done quietly and calmly and does not need to be recognised by the other person but is enough for you to take the time required to actually hear what is being said and feel the emotion/behaviour behind the words. Use the time you are breathing to observe what is truly being said. What is the view? Where has it come from? What is the fear? This helps to understand and form a response that will come from a place of compassion, not defence.

Observation of your physical Self can also be valuable. Take a quick body scan and ask yourself ‘What am I feeling?’ and consider why that is the case. If there is any tension in the body, breathe into those spaces and see if you can come from a more relaxed place when responding. It is important to register when your nervous system becomes dysregulated and it may even help to express that aloud, perhaps by saying ‘I can tell that I feel upset/defensive/pressured’. This enables the other person to consider the way in which they are behaving, giving each of you the space to reflect and consider which way this communication is going to go. A good rule is to assess whether you are feeling calm within yourself. If you are not, simply don’t respond. Wait. You have time.

Do not underestimate the power of silence. You don’t need to respond immediately. Take that time to think and to be with your Self, enabling a deeper understanding of how you truly feel. This is very true of written communication too. Pause. You don’t need to respond straight away. Ever tap tap tapped out an aggressive email, only to read it the next day cringing because you now hold a differing perspective? Not only does this cause great stress for both you and the recipient, it is also absolutely not a wise use of your energy (Bramachayra, the fourth yama). So just…sit with it. Understand why it is triggering you. Ask yourself…when I read the same email tomorrow, will I have the same response?

Let’s talk about rushing. Why are we always rushing? What’s the hurry? Kirsty Gallagher (2025) talks about the desire to Amazon Prime our lives. Desikachar (1995) also discusses instant gratification and its effect upon our society today, particularly in the West. There is something very powerful about slowing everything down. Take the time to enjoy each other’s company, rather than trying to ‘get to the point’. Sometimes, the silence is more powerful than the words anyway and that stillness between two souls gives the space to feel into each other, to appreciate the conversation and the time spent with someone you value. Equally, if the conversation is difficult, slow down. If it holds depth and feels powerful or evocative, slow down, giving the time to feel into each other, to hear each other’s rhythm, music and vibrations.

As a very important side note. Have the courage to say no. You don’t have to engage in every argument you’re invited to. Nor do you have to have an opinion or share your opinion on everything. Hold your own. As Mel Robins (2024) says in her book….‘let them’. They can think how they think…and that’s ok.

Let’s talk now about repair. We often feel stubborn in our opinions. Right or justified to have behaved in the way that we have. Perhaps drop the ego and be the first to say sorry. Not for your viewpoint necessarily but for the ways in which you reacted. Using the phrase ‘I feel…’ invites others to consider your perspective whilst also sharing their own feelings too. It’s simple but valuable as a tool for authentic conversations. This is easier when coming from a place of understanding, compassion and love and is an active mindset. Consider how are you approaching the person in front of you. Are you listening to understand, to connect to truly feel into that person’s perspective? Are you looking at them with love, adoration, compassion…or disappointment and unrealistic expectations? The way in which you view the soul in front of you is where it all begins, honestly. A child who is gazed at in wonder by their mother will feel that unconditional love. No words need to be spoken. So we can see, it isn’t just the words but the feelings behind them. That is where it all begins. Your authentic desire to understand, to love, to grow together. It’s an active choice.

So, what’s the overall goal? Can it shift from ‘being right’ or ‘changing someone’s mind’ to a space of learning, growing and evolving? To ask more questions, appreciate the conversation and ensure that the other person feels heard and acknowledged. Apparigraha (the fifth yama) teaches us not to grasp, or rather to release control of the outcome and allow it to just…be. Asteya: non stealing (the third yama) also ties in beautifully here. Instead of taking away another’s right to their opinions or perspective and silencing their voice, hear them. They have as much right to that as you do. And who cares if you disagree? You can still have a relationship, you can still know and trust and be together. You just don’t share the same view. Both of these things can be true at the same time. Alain de Botton (2019) discusses this ideal that we are grasping, striving, reaching for, rather than recognising that there is no ‘perfect person’. Instead, there is learning, growth, understanding, compassion and relationships that feel the ebs and flows of all of that. We show up, especially when it is hard. For ourselves and for each other. That is the difference between long lasting and fleeting.

Your inner Work and Self Worth:

Before it is possible to make these changes, there is a fair amount of inner work that must happen. To maintain balance and control of your nervous system when communicating with others, it is imperative to understand who you are, what you want for yourself and instate boundaries confidently yet graciously. It felt very important to recognise that knowing your true Self and the continual practising of emotional awareness play a very important role here. There is no ‘end’ to this process, of course, it is a continual learning journey. However, it would not be right to leave out the inward growth that must be travelled before working more outwardly on our relationship with others. Both Abinevesha (fear) and Santosha (contentment) play a crucial role here. We are often frightened of what others think or feel about us, rather than placing importance upon how WE feel within. Santosha is contentment for the way things are. Remembering that you have all that you need inside of you, it’s just a case of finding it. Added to this, Svadhyaya (study of the Self) is a crucial part of the process. Be curious about who you are too. Because you matter, you deserve to be heard and seen and you are absolutely enough.

Conclusion:

Well there it is, my thoughts as they fall. There is so much more to unravel here, there is so much more worth exploring. But beginning has enabled the path to become clearer for me and I do hope that parts of the work have helped those reading too. In essence, if we begin by understanding who we are, instil our boundaries and know what we want for ourselves, we can then be a in a place to respect and listen to those around us to truly hear what’s underneath. This shift in mindset allows for recognition that there is always space to learn, repair, grow and to try again. By making these simple changes in our approach to communicating within relationships, we can make very positive moves toward a more balanced life and greater peace within.

Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you find there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you’ – Lao Tzu

Author: E. Whitewood, 2025

Research and further reading:

Chopra, D., 1990. Perfect Health: The Complete Mind/Body Guide. New York: Harmony Books

de Botton, A., & The School of Life, 2019. The School of Life: An Emotional Education. London: Hamish Hamilton.

Desikachar, T.K.V., 1995. The Heart of Yoga: Developing a Personal Practice. Rochester, VT: Inner Traditions.

Gallagher, K., 2025. Your Cosmic Purpose: Trust in the Universe and Discover Your Life Path. London: Rider/Happy Place Books.

Mannix, K., 2022. Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations. London: William Collins.

Mannix, K., 2023. 101 Quotes by Lao Tzu: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Living. London: Nathan Pynnos.

Moors, F., 2012. Liberating Isolation: The Yogasūtra of Patañjali. New Delhi: Media Garuda / Krishnamacharya Healing & Yoga Foundation.

Nhất Hạnh, T., 2014. No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering. Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press.

Roach, M., McNally, C., & Patañjali, 2004. How Yoga Works: Healing Yourself and Others with the Yoga Sutra. Pompton Plains, NJ: Diamond Cutter Press.

Robbins, M. & Robbins, S., 2024. The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About. London: Penguin Life.Listen ‘Kathryn Matrix

Singer, Michael A., 2007. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Stern, E., 2019. One Simple Thing: A New Look at the Science of Yoga and How It Can Transform Your Life. New York: North Point Press / Farrar, Straus & Giroux.

Thubten, G., 2023. Handbook for Hard Times: A Monk’s Guide to Fearless Living. London: Hodder & Stoughton / Yellow Kite.

Van der Kolk, B.A., 2014. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking.Communication and a Balanced Nervous System: A Yogic Perspective